M&A

So happy to be home for a few weeks with this girl.  This post is dedicated to a few thoughts on the matter of our friendship.  We became best girls the very night we combined our closets into one.  And the cloth sharing continues even with the miles between us.  Everyday of high school we would share a lunch.  Always written in marker on the brown sack holding our apples soaked in lemon juice was M&A.  Emmy has a bossily confident personality that Aubrey is not afraid to stand up to, making us quite the duo.  Aubrey is the craziness and emotion that the level-headed and logical Em often has to call back down to earth.  When I alone do not have enough courage to shop for size D or paint my finger nails, Emmy holds my hand.  And when Emmy alone does not have enough courage to break the rules or go to that dance party, I hold hers.  We share in a love of Gilmore Girls and Zupas.  Girl dates replace all Christmas and birthday gifts.  Once, I accidentally popped her air mattress.  More than once, we spent the weekend camping out in my bed.  Emmy loves me enough to try running.  We are the cutest candy corns known to man.  Emmy knows more about her older brother than anyone ever should. And I cannot thank her enough for playing both of those roles--little sister and best friend.  Distance can not stop us.  But it sure is nice when I only live down the street.

In case I don't see you tomorrow, I'm going to hug you into a smithereens.     

Loss

I am currently coping with feelings of loss.  Major adjustments, you know, the sort that take those you love right from your comfortable life.  Yes, I am okay.  I will be even more okay just as soon as I reach the acceptance phase of my grieving.  However, currently I am slowly exiting the anger phase and entering denial.  For me denial means avoidance.  And so rather than pretend to be happy I will pretend these changes are not happening.  

And so, this is what it came down to -- Do I fall asleep to Crazy Stupid Love, or Pride and Prejudice?  

I decided my dreams would be happier if I chose Pride and Prejudice.

in lieu of my recent completion of my first semester in college,

i thought i would document some things I have learned:

a new hairdo and some red lipstick can do wonders for confidence.

forgiveness is a daily struggle.

i ought not talk too loud in public.  

kissing causes the face to break out.

knock before entering.

when something is on the mind, big or small, it is impossible not to talk about it.  so it is squeezed into conversation wherever possible, appropriately or not.

my patience is thinnest with those I love most.  those with whom I am closest.  probably because I know they will love me back despite.

words will take on new meaning.

be bold.  people will respect confidence.

life is too short to not wear whatever the hell i feel like.

if you miss your first ever college quiz, it is not the end of the world.

always accept if someone offers you food.  even if it is just a bite off of their half eaten apple.

its not simply the thought that counts.  people cannot see your thoughts.

being on time relieves a lot of stress in the workplace.  

say yes.  say yes to the midnight betos run the night before an exam.  say yes to the two hour campus statue tour.  say yes to that knock on the door after everyone else has gone to bed.  say yes to that spontaneous trip home home.  say yes to skipping class.  say yes to going to that party with wet hair.  say yes because you wont regret it.

to think and to communicate are both good things.  unless they arent. 

sometimes flood is worse than famine.

family can change.  it can grow.  relationships can be improved.  and it can all begin with a little game of catch phrase.

actually listen to that last ditch comment your sister makes just before she hangs up the phone.

listening is a lost art.  simply listening. really listening.  without thinking of what to say next.

change, no matter how good it is or how much it is desired, is still hard.  

home life has a drastic affect.  missing a feeling of peace at home is missing a lot.

a change of scenery is good.  but remember, bad habits follow you.

all dressed up and nowhere to go.  a waste of effort.  but sometimes friday nights must be spent doing nothing.  because you want to.  and what you want has become far more important than the expectations

physical activity can chase away those mean winter blues.

spend extra change on hi chews.

longboarding is much more fun if you sneak out the back door.

a discovered song becomes the only sound i wish to hear.  for over a week.  or sometimes months.

the wind by cat stevens transports me to portland oregon.  to the coast.  to the surprise of pulling out of your car ride nap to a snow covered world.  to laughter.  to food.  to my dear sister, by my side, marveling at the exact same beauties.  to the safe hug of a tall older brother.  to inspiration.

when someone asks how you are, lie.  they dont really want to know the truth.  few people ask that question and actually mean it.

if someone sees me looking grubby, i dont fret.  because i know that around the next corner they will see me looking my best.

some people just get me.  and others just dont.

college, they said.  it will be fun, they said.  and it is.  but i cant always simply rely on the truth others offer.

today i am feeling blessed.  sometimes i lack the ability to take care of myself.  i procrastinate.  i fall short.  and it is in those periods of time when i simply cannot stay on top of everything, or anything at all for that matter, i receive mercies.  someone else picks up my slack.  a roommate does my dishes.  i return home after midnight to a made bed.  a sister makes sense of my nonsensical complaints.  another mother packs me a lunch, every single day.  a classmate signs my name on the role as i sit sleeping by their side.  and for these favors, i feel undeserving.  a taker am i.  but i need the help, and so, i find myself gratefully marveling.

wednesday.  my night for dinner.  i was probably just being sensitive, but instructions were given to me impatiently.  i was feeling foolish for being incompetent when it comes to cooking chicken.  i remarked that i thought i had cooked too little on top of all my other mistakes.  paige answered, "it's best not to have too much meat anyway."  replacing self confidence where all was lost.  this is why she is my best friend.

i defensively asked the reason behind his laughter.  

and he told me he had never known someone to stop mid-sentence and sing. 

Public Humiliation

My Humanities class was a waste of money.  And frankly, it is boring.  I have slept through it two straight weeks in a row.  Today, the professor pointed me out and counseled me to get more sleep in front of the entire class.  Was I embarrassed?  Not in the slightest.  Part of it was the grogginess.  But I thought it obvious that the girl clad in a hoodie and ponytail really payed no mind to the opinion of her peers.

Cowardess

there i was.  no longer numb to my emotions and that ongoing, ever so slight ache in my stomach that hasnt left for at least a week.  the water works kicked on as i vocalized my thoughts and faced the truth with some helpful advice.  and then, i was offered an out.  and so, i made a run for it.  like a coward.  only telling one person so that no one would fear i had been abducted.  here i come weekend of emotional recovery, perspective, and people of an age other than my own.

Between my two exams I treated myself to an Asiago bagel.  And as I sat there eating and enjoying Regina singing to me in the background I overheard some foolish man say that Meg Ryan is the worst actress ever.  It took a great amount of self-discipline to keep me from punching his lights out.

Beauty Tips 101

Sidewalk is a great exfoliant.  I have no more blackheads.

Wrecked

Yesterday I wrecked while long boarding.  Bad.  Luckily, I still have all my teeth.  The above photo is the perfect recipe for helping-aubs-feel-better.  Chocolate, flicks, blankie, tissues, nailpolish, milkshakes, snoopy bandaides, mederma, and ice packs.  I have great friends.  

Dear Roommates,

My friend Zackary ended up with no place to stay last night.  So he is asleep on our couch.  DO NOT be alarmed.  Also, DO NOT wake him--he is VIOLENT.

Love always,
Aubs

I would never in a million years repeat elementary school.  And I have chosen to forget that time of my life.  But I would never in a million years trade one day of childhood with my sister Jessica.  All of those times are my fondest of memories.

typing out all of my feelings, whether or not it is sensical

on occasion, i miss until my tummy aches.  an odd sensation that doesnt come from being unsatisfied.  no.  i am perfectly content with my current.  but sometimes i allow myself to look back.  to remember.  

nearly a year ago, life was different.  i didnt have a job.  i only spent weekends in logan.  i drove a car shaped like a toaster.  i ate a sack lunch everyday.  i still had some tan from a successful cross country season.  i broke my curfew by an average of four minutes every night.  i watched half of every alien movie ever made. 

a year ago... i missed not kissing, when holding hands was enough to give me butterflies for a week.  i missed my best friends that had left me behind for college, or missions.  i thought life was complex with so many responsibilities to fulfill.  i stressed out over which boy i ought to date.  i missed my sister living a bedroom away.  i could be, and often was, grounded.  i hated making decisions. 

let's compare to my now...i now miss the days when i was sure the person i had kissed the night before would be there the next day.  i now live with the friends who had left me for college.  now life is complex in new ways with new responsibilities.  i now try not to think about dating.  ever.  i now miss my sister more than anything else about home home.  i now can come and go as i please.  i now have no choice but to make decisions.

a year ago i missed certain people until my tummy ached. people who had once been a part of my everyday, but were now miles away, weekly phone calls, and monthly visits.  and people who had once been a part of my everyday, but were now barely acquaintances.  so some things never change.  i still miss.  its just the people i miss that are different.  and its not that i cant live without them, often times i choose to.  but that wont make me miss them any less.

"its the oldest story in the world.  one day youre seventeen and planning for someday, and then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and that someday is yesterday and this is your life."

-nathan scott

    

i'm glad i could humor a complete male-stranger today

Stand nearly ten feet away from your computer screen.  Take off your glasses.  It could look like this figure in the above image is wearing a skirt, right?  Good.  Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.

I love it when Emmy and I argue over text messages. Enough said.

Collegiate Conversations

Above you will see my neighbors and roommate discussing the cell bodies on the cover of this physiology book.  No we were not having a study session, just casual conversation.  I have noticed this happens a lot.  Saturday morning over a breakfast of doughnuts there was talk of acid and bases.  And just tonight while having an ice cream cone party I was taught about hydrogenated oils.  Got to love collegiate conversations.

on those rare occasions i fall asleep fully dressed, without brushing my teeth, in someone else's bed.  my intention is a pre-bed nap.  but then i am awoken at six fifty three in the morning by the actual bed owner.  normally i would feel terribly for thieving her bed the entire night.  but my excellent night of sleep removes all guilt.

"You won't do it at the right time. You'll be late. You'll be early. You'll get re-routed. You'll get delayed. You'll change your mind. You'll change your heart. It's not going to turn out the way you thought it would. It will be better."

Kate Moller

sometimes it be that way

i'm sorry i didn't always have a match

that could start a fire big enough for your heart to catch

thoughts as i take a quick study break

dear good-looking,

if only i had woken up on time. if only i was feeling bold and confident.  if only i could say i was not still a teenager.  i would walk right up to you, write my number on your hand in purple ink, look you straight in the eyes, and with a playful smile i'd leave.  no words involved.

but i am not that gutsy.  

love,

the girl who will only live once

Saturday in Logan

Study. Eat. Repeat.  With a quick snuggle-break.

Organized

What is the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has a date.

Obsessed

As I walk through campus, the first thing I notice about any male figure is his socks.  Who knew long, black, nike socks would knock my own right off?

Recently, I left the security of my roommates to sit by a lone boy on the back row.  Although he may or may not have been attractive and tall, my motives were purely friendly.  As I caught up to my roommates their gleaming eyes proved obvious snoop-age.  The first thing that was said to me upon my return was, "you really do love long socks."  I laughed out loud.  Yes, that explains my abnormal bravery.

During another recent occurrence I was dawdling my way to a much-needed shower.  In attempts to speed up the process my roommate said, "Aubrey, what if a boy walked in right now.  And he was wearing long socks.  And he wanted to cuddle with you."  Way to capitalize upon my two weaknesses--long socks and snuggles.  Let's just say, a hop, skip, and a trail of clothes later . . . I was clean.

Dear Emmy,

Once you said this to me, "you are moving away from me. you don't deserve to know about my dates. or lack thereof."  But I know you were only speaking in the misery that comes when a best friend moves away.  Thank you for coming to see me so soon.  I loved having you.  So much.

A Lack Thereof

Since I have moved, I haven't gone to bed before midnight.  This morning I woke up with a sore throat.  Go figure.

Introductions

I have met so many names.  Just names.  And I can't help but wonder which of those names will become important to me.  Which name will be at the top of my message list?  Which name will know me by my wet hair and love of butterflies rather than my year in school?  Which name will wonder about my day and not just my class schedule?  Which name will spark my interest?  Which name will I want?

I miss being called 'love'.  I miss being called 'ratdog'.  Most of all, I miss being called 'aubs'.  And maybe I miss the closeness of those who have the right to call me those names over the names themselves. 

To put it simply . . . College : Day Three.

 

words I wish were written for me

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything."

F. Scott Fitzgerald

via

Hummingbird

Why does the hummingbird hum?

Because he forgot the words.

Dear Stuart, Jon, and Aferdit,

Why were we not better friends during high school?  Particularly my Senior year.  I feel like we could have been The Four Musketeers.  Anyhow, thanks for the fun and adventurous night!  Let's get together the next time we're all in town?  Great.

Love always,

Aubs

this picture is making me very happy tonight

On my porch

I had already dozed off when I was told to check my porch.  The most perfect surprise.

Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be

I am like a butterfly.  All about transformation, with beauty that is not immediate.  Still in my own cocoon, I wonder how my wings will look like when I immerge and where I will migrate to in my flutter and flight.

Everything is going just fine.  Then with no rhyme or reason, it is as if someone flipped a switch.  And I would rather have the stomach flue than live under the same roof.

Rocky Mouth Trail

A trail run that soon transformed into a hike.  A hidden waterfall.  Good conversation.  The awaited hot air balloon festival.  Cruising.  Music.  An Asiago cheese bagel with cranraspberry cream cheese.  Screaming.  Laughter.

And all of this before nine o' clock in the morning.  Love you, Kristen.

Musica

My best memories involve music.  As a little girl, dancing around the living room while my mom played the piano.  The sound settings on my childhood keyboard brought me countless hours of entertainment.  Making the clogs on my feet match the beat of the music.  Playing the street pianos with Kristen into the summer night.  Feeling embarrassed as I forgot the words while I was singing.  Taking a ukulele home with me from Hawaii.  I once dated a boy and we would take turns making each other mixed cds--the best thing that came from that relationship.

Something about music brings people together.  And I love when people come together for the sake of music.  Concerts.  Or when people come together for the sake of making music.  Jam sessions.  How I appreciate people that appreciate good music.

RISE

What I wish to remember.

read this

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-To-Find-Out-Who-You-Really-Are-by-Anne-Lamott/1

Art

"The work you do while you procrastinate is probably 

the work you should be doing for the rest of your life." 

                             --Jessica Hische

On Repeat

Maybe it's because I am leaving the only city I have ever known in less than a month.  Maybe it's because yesterday I let go of someone I love, unwillingly, but for the best interest of us both.  Or maybe it's simply because I covet Carrie Underwood's looks.

Dreaded Goodbye

I think it is human to anticipate someone leaving.  To push them away before they even go, because you know it is coming.  Avoiding goodbye altogether, by simply avoiding the person.  I have done this myself.  More than once.  And now I find I am the one leaving this fall that is still summer.  I am the one being avoided.  And I must say : Stop.  I am still here.  There is still time.  And on the topic of goodbye I must say : True friendship is not being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes.

A New Name

Why "hello inspiration"? Firstly, the previous blog name had become irrelevante. Secondly, I have a history with these two words. I used to claim that I couldn't draw. "Not even stick figures", I would say. And then, in my twelfth grade drawing class, I surprised myself. But just because I discovered that I could draw, didn't mean I always knew what to draw. Often after an assignment was given, I would sit doodling, awaiting an idea for my next piece of artwork. So in my search for inspiration I began to write those two words over and over. Thinking to myself, that if I greeted inspiration, it would come. Hello inspiration.

Those words soon turned into a lovely micrography rhino eye.

And so, I think hello inspiration is a good title for my blog. As I record both the days I feel inspired, and the days I have lost sight of my inspiration.

I Pray

Before I started my summer job I was informed that the kids I would work with have difficult behaviors due to difficult pasts. I was told not to judge. And I was trained to over-praise when they showed good behavior and to avoid or ignore the bad behavior. 4:1. Four praises to every one criticism. This is completely backwards. In the real world, criticism is frequent while praise is few and far between.

If a kid doesn't like someone in the group, they make threats or throw fists and get to go individual with their own staff. Which is exactly what they want because individual is often more fun than group. This is completely backwards. In the real world, you often have to be more than civil to people you can't stand, whether they be classmates or coworkers.

These kids are handed from one staff, to the next. One foster home, to the next. Years and years of reinforcement have taught them that all one must do is act out to get what they want. There is no punishment, no discipline, and no consequences. It breaks my heart. I am only with them for a fourth of the day and am not allowed to correct. Only praise. Which has taught me to have great patience. Because even when I know that they know better than to break things, or cuss, or fight, or run away, or yell, or make threats, all I can do is find something they did right, thank them for it, and tell them things will be okay. Even though they don't deserve that.

I ask myself often how can I help the kids I work with find success? Then I become frustrated when I realize that ultimately the outcome of their lives are up to them and the choices they make. I can only hope to somehow be a positive influence. But there is one more thing I can do.

Elder Uchtdorf said, "Often, the answer to our prayer does not come while we’re on our knees but while we’re on our feet..." I firmly believe his words to be true. Except in this case. On my feet I do everything I can for the RISE kids, even when it doesn't seem to make a difference. But I know I can always pray for them. And I find great comfort in that.

root-beer-float

Who doesn't love a frosty mug of root-beer-float? This is a love I have adopted from my late Grandmother Phyllis. She used to make me one each time I came to visit. No fail. Not only do I love the treat, but how I think of her every time I indulge myself.

Today after helping to break up the worst fist fight I have yet seen at work, I motivated myself to make it through the rest of the day with the knowledge that there would be a root-beer-float awaiting me at home.

Later in the work day, when I should have been on my way home, I chased a fuming-run-away boy into the middle of a busy street where he promptly yelled at and hit me. It was then, as the two of us put traffic to a halt, that I promised myself a second root-beer-float.

And I always keep my promises. Those floats proved to be the ultimate comfort food.

Adieu

Today I sat in the Murray City Library, biding my time. Reading The Book of Mormon from my phone. It has been quite a while since I have read the smaller books that follow first and second Nephi. And as I finished the last verse in the Book of Jacob, I may or may not have gasped out loud. In the quiet library.

It reads : "I make an end of my writing upon these plates, which writing has been small; and to the reader I bid farewell, hoping that many of my brethren may read my words. Brethren, adieu."

Jacob said adieu! Adieu. Were my eyes playing tricks? It must be a mistake. For some reason I was shocked that he ended his chapter with a French goodbye. How did someone from between 544 and 421 B.C. even know French? Okay, so this may not be the most spiritually profound finding that has ever come from The Book of Mormon. But is sure made Jacob seem all the more real to me. And don't worry, this isn't the only thing I took from his book.

for no reason

was it something i said? oh wait. you didn't talk to me all night.