my life is mostly ordinary.  but i think some certain moments are worthy of the big screen.

time.  both endless and sudden.  

the moment is nearly upon me.  one week.

something about portland feels like home.  it could be the abundant greenery.  it could be the silly face making in the rearview mirror.  it could be the city quirks--no sales tax, go green, someone else gases the car.  it could be the cuisine.  or it could be the way the portland always asks me to stay forever.

lets take a journey to the beginning of spring semester when i wrote up this draft and never posted it, plus some favorite roommate photos

i have had the most perfect return.  at first i was unwilling.  and there were tears.  but with each mile and drop in degrees fahrenheit, my confidence improved.  of course four months in logan cannot compare to my history of eighteen years in taylorsville.  but the glowing letter on old main reminded me of the life i lead here.  and so, i began to unpack.  things.  just things.  jewelry that i hope will turn into compliments from new friends.  clothes that i hope will turn into warmth.  books that i hope will turn into knowledge.  just things bursting with new-semester potential.  with everything finally in its rightful place, i thought myself to sleep.  i awoke thrilled to feed my adjusting fish.  i believe he, like me, struggles with change, new environments, and new temperatures.  i am grateful to own a plant and a fish--things other than myself to take care of.  i ran. i read. i spent too much on groceries.  i ordinaryed my day away.  next up, bourne with three of my best girls.  little did we know this movie choice would prove impressive to the strangers welcoming themselves into our personal space.  we paused the movie and followed them into a night of adventure.  mattress sledding down old main hill.  hot tubbing.  a schemed game of truth or dare.  after an adios and a had-enough, we returned to a sleeping apartment.  but we simply couldnt be quiet after all of our experience.  we showered, giggled, and analyzed our way into a sleepover.

on repeat.  because it is the only thing that sounds good.

i desperately needed to switch things up, so i took myself on a walk.  as i exited the parking lot of my complex a car full of t swift-blasting girls entered.  their singing was loud, carefree.  quickly a small ache settled into my heart.  paige.  oh how i miss her.  she and i used to go for endless car rides, always with the music too loud.  and on nights when my mood called for procrastination and anywhere other than number twelve she was my company.  if only she were here there would be conversation, laughter, odd voices, charleys, a nap, gossip, and ultimately all of this would turn into some grand adventure.  she and i were absolutely inseparable. everyone knew there was never one without the other.

but tonight i was without her.  so when i walked past the catholic center there was no one there to listen to my next thoughts.  a little less than half a year ago, i snuck into this catholic center with jackson.  unbeknownst to most everyone, we had begun to date again.  but that night he did not feel like my date, rather my best friend.  donned in hoodie with longboard under my arm we made the detour caused by curiosity.  it was dark, so as we explored we whispered and tip toed.  we decided upon the story we would tell if we were caught.  oh how i miss him.  more ache.

oddly enough, i am grateful for that ache.  let me explain.  during my past there were several occasions in which i missed someone.  until one day, i woke up to realize i no longer missed them.  and this was not a bad thing, it simply was.  but i am happy to miss paige and jackson.  even if it causes the occasional heart ache or the occasional nostalgic walk.  because if i am missing them, they are still a part of my present.  and that is exactly where i want to keep them.

two weeks until i move to salt lake.
sixty two days, plus nine more weeks, until i move to ukraine.

perfection

19.  roommates spoiled me with treats, hugs, car rides, dinner, and a movie.  neighbors surprised me with balloons, flowers, treats, rollerskating, throwing me into the air, and music.  coworker and best friend gave thoughtful ukrainian themed gifts.  my kiddos called me the birthday girl.  i had two birthday surprises from my pen pal, what a lucky girl i am to have him.  everyone i have ever loved remembered me.  one of my most favorite birthdays.  ever, ever.  let the pictures that follow speak for themselves.

so here i sit on the third floor of the university library.  i dont spend nearly as much time here as i should.  it is quiet.  semi distraction free.  i am in the company of people that are cramming, or surfing the web, or studying to make something more of themselves.  and i feel overwhelmed.  overwhelmed by my choice of music and the thoughts that are evading my mind--leaving no room for tomorrows test.  suddenly i feel the urge to cry.  the kind of cry that pays no mind.  but instead, i copy my definitions with dry eyes and a lump in my throat.

ZzZz

I try.  To arise in time to adequately prepare for work.  To make it one day without an afternoon nap.  To stay awake during class, church, or any other sort of learning gathering.  And as I try, I learn that it just doesn't matter because certain things just never change.  Will I forever be a sleepy me?

girl, you were the president of everything. all at once.

Leopard Lub

and so, the blues finally caught up with me.  

thank goodness for Paige.  

willing to arise from her slumber.

to pet my hair and pass me the pink leopard.

hey i just met you.  and you are hairy. not someone who i could marry.

sometimes you can tell exactly how your day has gone 

by the state of your hair.

musings

As I was walking home during the wonderful hour of twilight, I had a burst of inspiration.  I recalled nearly six months previous when I was the new girl.  A stranger to Logan.  My first weekend here was busy.  No time to think, or worry, or miss.  Until Sunday night when things began to slow.  I sat on my living room couch overwhelmed with advice about purchasing textbooks when a meltdown ensued.  Surrounded by new surroundings, new friends, new neighbors, I longed for the old.  So I broke the pact and made the phone call.  When I should have been brushing teeth and fluffing pillows, I sat instead in the passenger seat of a concerned and understanding roommate.  Campus was new so we met at a landmark.  Small talk.  Small touch.  Big feelings.  He walked me only halfway because it was no longer his responsibility to drop me at my door.  

And this is the point in this particular memory where the inspiration came.  I remember walking down the hill alone and noticing the city lights.  Stars on the ground.  I was smitten.  However, this city was still foreign.  Strange.  I had to remind myself of where I was walking.  And I wondered when this city would fit like my favorite pair of jeans.

Fast forward.  Tonight my feet were walking me home.  And my feet slowed to enjoy those city lights. Sure it is cold, but this is my city.  It no longer feels foreign. 

How I hope that someday I find myself in a foreign country, possibly riding the Metro in Ukraine, feeling at home.  Like Kiev is my city.  And Russian my language.

this is somewhat embarrassing, isn't it?

What would I do without?

I have great friends here in Logan.  

Some that read to me as I fall asleep.  

Some that offer to meet me in Ogden.  

Some that make for good company and good laughs.  

And somehow these friends make the below zeros bearable.

Today, as I was preparing to leave work, one of my students insisted on helping me with my mittens. He held them open as I slid my fingers inside.  It is moments like this that make me glad I bundled up and made the snowy trek to work.

sometimes i eat straight from the pan because i am in college and only have myself to feed.

i should have gone to bed yesterday.

The Three Muskies

Upon my arrival I encountered a "welcome home" snowman.  My reaction to which was to promptly cancel my date for that evening.  I had a lot of family plans--future family, that is.